just carol

one day

2009-06-20T17:29:00.009+01:00

"Now she was going to have to accept the fact that she may not see him ever again... 'I realise i didn't have any way to get in touch with you. I don't think i should. I don't think you should either.' He looked relieved and she felt sleighted once again. 'Alright, why's that?' 'Because I think if you did, I think I would go a bit mad, you sitting there. Because I wouldn't be able to do what I want to do.' Then he put one hand lightly on her neck, and gently kissed her, in the middle of the street, amidst the people.

And it was the sweetest kiss that either of them would ever know. This is where it all begins. Everything starts here, today, and then it was over."

- One day, by David Nicholls

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

the evergreen kinship that amalgamated the common pursuit of the idea of something higher than ourselves: something that poked into the soul. the soul is such an overused word, but no, this was no hackneyed link. perhaps one day in the future, it might feel it, but that day, it wasn't. and that day was so real. and that day was ephemeral and yet, will persist forever in the banks of memory.

The female of the species is more delayed than the male.

2009-06-18T19:18:00.006+01:00

The future of medicine and women... Interesting publication that states “there is no evidence that female NHS doctors have been directly disadvantaged in their career progression, or that having children negatively affects the career progression of women who have always worked full time.”(1) show that more men (16%) than women (6%) who had worked full time were in surgery. The percentage of women who worked part time who were in surgery was at a shockingly dismal 2%. (oh dear) with the corresponding association between not doing surgery related to being female and working part-time. The median time for attaining consultancy was 11.7 years for men, 11.3 for women who had always trained full time and 12.3 years for all women.

So I suppose all these statistics tell us nothing we couldn’t already surmise: female doctors, who make up an increasing proportion of NHS doctors and make up the majority of medical students in UK medical schools, would take longer to attain consultancy (and would work about ¾ of the workload of their male colleagues, other studies quote). But if women worked the same amount as men, they tend to achieve consultancy faster.

Some more interesting stat facts:

12% of British medical graduates are no longer working under the NHS after 2 years of qualification.
Approximately 50% of international medical graduates eventually leave the NHS. (2)
in 2007, only 7% of accepted surgical consultants and 27% of surgical ST1's were female (3)

In conclusion, I would have a 50% likelihood of remaining in the UK after my 20^th year of qualification and I would have a 98% chance of not doing surgery. HMMMMMMMM……

(1)Raylor KS, Lambert TW, Goldacre MJ. Career progression and destinations, comparing men and women in the NHS: postal questionnaire surveys. BMJ 2009; 338:b1735.

(2) Michael J Goldacre, Jean M Davidson, Trevor W Lambert. Retention in the British National Health Service of medical graduates trained in Britain: cohort studies. BMJ 2009; 337:b1977

(3) Elston MA.Women and medicine: the future. London: Royal College of Physicians. 2009.

miss madam

2009-05-10T09:02:00.006+01:00

And she was one of those tropical blends
Soft to the touch and hard as steel rods.
She mixed the good and bad winds naturally,
Easily, affectionately.
And all who passed refreshed themselves
On the rays of her presence.
Her word-glue maintained the lives interwoven
And her good cheer like warm liquid to the ear.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

meanwhile, i've just been reminded by circumstances recently that having an opinion is better than not having an opinion. and it has been a slow trickle of blogs of late. perhaps it's because it's been a slow trickle of me of late. am i becoming less and is something (someone) else becoming more? i suppose getting the right looming personality looming would be of utmost importance. or maybe it is just because i have just chosen to keep my opinions and expressions and musings bottled up inside where noone will find because noone holds the key. my limited (but growing) knowledge of myself whispers that it is the latter. cryptic cryptogenic cryptosporidium cryptorchidism.

"To warn, to comfort, and command;
And yet a Spirit still, and bright
With something of angelic light."

she did

hospidelicio

2009-04-22T12:45:00.002+01:00

"...It actually follows the familiar pattern of 21^st-century life: long periods of boredom interspersed with the occasional thrill."

hmmm...

voiceless

2009-03-20T08:54:00.005Z

I have gotten my voice back, although not in the literal sense as my laryngitis-induced-voice-loss is still going strong for the 5th day running...
but anyhow, reiterate. I have my voice back. The personality-erosive effects of medical finals is slowly being reversed.

"The unreflective life is a life not worth living." Without offending any non-reflective people (or dull surfaces), I find this saying so close to the truth. And it is so often that God calls upon us to reflect, to think, to ponder, to dwell on our lives, our behaviour, ourselves, to question our actions, behaviours and thoughts and to keep them in check. If to even think evil is a sin, we have much thought-cleansing to do. How did I come to that? I don't know. My pressure of speech is starting to take rein again. Perhaps it is easier on my friends that my voice is gone at the moment..... Break them into me gently, I say...

Anyhoo, also read something very lovely which would be nice to throw into the thought-pool:

"My sole passion is thy love,
In earth beneath or heaven above,
I have no other store.
And though with fervent suite I pray
And importune thee day by day,
I ask Thee nothing more."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Meanwhile, as usual, my annual / biannual pilgrimage to the motherland has brought me back with more updates from friends, family and others. It is quite comforting to know that despite the differences in location, cultures, and appearances, we are all of the same species, living out our jobs, living out our relationships, living out our religions and practising our beliefs, feeling similar sentiments, having identical needs and desires, in true Maslow-like fashion. A comforting reassurance of our existence as humans. (it never fails to provoke me that Maslow put 'sex' as a physiological need and 'sexual intimacy' as a need for belonging/love...) A reassurance... I suppose the dehumanisation and personality erosion was needing a good kick up the backside.
Anyhow, I ramble too much...

the jelly express

2009-03-09T02:56:00.004Z

Royal jelly. hmmm. All female bees result from genetically identical larvae, but only those that feed on royal jelly become fertile and end up queen bees.

I wonder if humans had the equivalent elixir or 'royal jelly'. arguably, i do understand how some people might be prone to believe how some prescribed medications taken without a prescription may aid intelligence and performance. Surveys have shown that a significant fraction of students from top universities such as Oxford and Cambridge use drugs such as Ritalin and Modafinil to aid attention and concentration.
Well, i can't decide what my opinion on the matter is. Coffee / caffeine pills / red bull / paracetamol, etc etc have been manipulated and similarly partaken in order to improve study and prolong waking hours. Arguably, with newer drugs, the long term side effects are dubious. Furthermore, academic performance becomes something less meritocratic and more based on 'who's got the most money/ friends with connections'.

But then, having just emerged from the protracted blurry haze that is studying for medical finals, i have just experienced the constant upward struggle that most students nowadays have to contend with: getting connections to get hold of the most number of past papers, knowing people who know doctors who set the exam, spending money to buy the latest Littman stethoscope, paying for medical courses, etc etc... especially promoted by the fact that more than 50% of our paper were recycled questions...

Anyhow, before i further maul my foot further by this continuous stabbing, i suppose most of life is based on such an unfair selection. Nepotism in the workplace, in the selection of political leaders, etc etc... But educational institutions should not be the place where such unfair play takes place and where such behaviour should be clamped down upon. Just as there should be 'markets with morals' (ohhh-ohhh, spot the Gordon fan!!), educational institutes with mottos such as 'The way, the truth, the life' (Glasgow) and Dominus Illuminatio Mea (
"The Lord is my Light") (Oxford) should more so be institutes where such unfairness is discouraged.

je ne sai pai

2008-12-30T21:50:00.008Z

well, apart from having an extremely eventful Christmas up in Aberdeen shire, where I perhaps, was a bit impolite in indulging myself in a little English history (much to the chagrin of my doric host)... I have learnt a few interesting facts outside of medicine these past few weeks:

1) the Grampian highlands are home to 10% of the stone circles found in the U.K... such as theseee:
2) a study done on 13,000 nuns in 1952 found none of them to have cervical cancer

3) the Met office is still classifed under Britain's war defence system

4) Elvis Presley origins were from Aberdeenshire.right, ok so i lied... but 3 out of 4 facts that were unrelated to medicine isn't too bad.... meanwhile photos from my trip!

save now

2008-11-07T20:54:00.001Z

"What is this thing that happens with age? Why does everyone want to pervert love and, suck it bone dry of all its glory? Why do you bother to call it love anymore?" - Don Juan

the news today: cigarettes, suicide and mental health

2008-10-01T13:18:00.009+01:00

smoking news
so with the new anti-smoking images in place, people who smoke are now forced to come face to face with the consequences of their habit.

i wonder if the people who had allowed this to happen were presented with the same picture of the future would still have gone ahead with it...

"The Bishop of Derby, the Rt Rev Dr Alastair Redfern, added: "I'm horrified by the actions of these people

"I hope they feel deeply ashamed. Here was a very troubled person crying out for help. What he needed was attention, not abuse."

Mike Shewan, chief executive of Derbyshire Mental Health Services NHS Trust, said: "We can't condemn this sort of behaviour strongly enough. No-one knows what was going on in his head, but encouraging him to jump is so wrong."

- taken from the telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/3108987/Suicide-teenager-urged-to-jump-by-baying-crowd.html)

obvious conclusions aside, i wonder how it had come to this. what had led to this avoidable tragedy from taking place in a society like ours. goading a man to take his own life... geez. it's like battle royale, except with less hassle and less blood on one's hands...
or is this just one of the few instances in the media when man's depravity did actually make it to headlines?
not great news to be witnessed at a time such as this, i expect.

but i think the thing that troubled me the most was hearing this account of a friend of 17 year old Shaun Dykes:

(paraphrased) "Shaun just did what he had to do, he had to leave behind his studies, his life and move on to a better place."

he "did what he had to do"... mmmmmm.... suicide as something we have to do... ...

just a little bit worrying, no?

To let

2008-09-14T13:51:00.006+01:00

How the humble stick beats us just as we remember to forget.
Challenged to look beyond the personality to the character - will we let Him permeate our disease?

There is no cure, only salvation.

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" - Romans 7:24

the wind.

2008-08-21T15:49:00.006+01:00

was jogging along some dusty roads in seminyak, bali, when i passed by these rice fields. the way the flags caught the wind was just so beautiful i had to run back to get my camera...

the big burr hole

2008-08-21T15:35:00.003+01:00

And so here i am again,
falling at your feet..
falling, fallen, found...
Dead, i give up.
As Mr Frost once said:
it goes on.
And so it does..
but not without the relentless
assaults.
The frequent backwashings
of what we term
human nature.
But we hurt each other again and again
and it never ends.
I chose to be of more glorious company,
and yet... and yet..
some things are not in our choosing:
Some things we were brought into...

Why we are all so confused?
He scoffs at them.. the One laughs...
He rebukes them,
But now, not so terrifyingly...
The nudges..
that
we
feel
oh
so
often
but
so
often
we
do
not
respond.

Kiss Him, lest he be angry.

I choose to be in more glorious Company.

work moderately, play moderately.

2008-07-17T13:06:00.006+01:00

keeping it real, but at the same time without being heavy-handed. oh the obtrusiveness of these other-classes.... the sign of these times that we are in, despite trying to conglomerate the two, we whizzed past the shop of east meets east. but then when and where do we fall? in between the trenches? the trenches or would they be deemed as the middle-ground. the... permissive hybrids?

but who is that with the quizzical brow and the golden locks? would there be a more archetypal prototype, despite the political-correctness of the audience, we balked in a totally scottish manner and poured foolishness over our reputations. the minutes lasted for hours but all in good stead.

meanwhile, this is london :

also, cherries are the best fruits... the iniquity of english cooks has been replaced by the ingenuity of the mixing pot that is londonium. thank goodness for the French, Italians and Japanese...

the Gift

2008-07-10T19:11:00.003+01:00

a sudden revelation. a sudden heartsink. a sudden... drop. can it be termed an epiphany if it was something i had known before?

nothing else matters, not money, not fame, not intelligence, not beauty, not looks, not status... only Love. only love conquers all, only Love, only Love has the way.

dinner last night... why that kinship with him over him... for once i did not stand on the side of intelligence.. for once i stood on the side of the underdog, for once i chose His side. the dull cup. but it was true...

2 m 13. a teacher. it could only be a Gift...

oyster

2008-06-22T20:55:00.008+01:00

Returning from a long weekend of camping up in Garve and a night at the lovely Barber's residence up in Dingwall, i'm absolutely shattered and ready for bed.

It was massive fun on our wee camping adventure. Pitching tents, lugging sleeping bags and mats, picking firewood, starting a fire, cooking pasta on a gas-stove and sleeping in tents while a relentless rainstorm battered away at our tents was definitely a truly Scottish adventure.
Of note was watching Callum, Gill and Rachel swim in the icy coldness of the waterfall, dolphin watching, camping, sleeping in tents, teamwork banter and meeting Callum's interesting friends from Englandshire.

But all these adventures and all these months left in Glasgow has just left me pining for London even more....
Paris (3 weekends ago!), on the other hand, was definitely somewhere i could see myself live in... Ack, I just love big cities, period.... LOOONNNNDDOOONNNN IN 6 DAYYYSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! *excitement*

you will love england.

2008-05-22T17:19:00.005+01:00

so today was the assessment day for the end of my first medicine block...

i was told that i was definitely in the top 80th centile of medical students that my consultant has seen. This is more than twice times i've been told this by at least two different consultants... So maybe i am that good....... he said that i retain information very well, have great clinical judgement and have a fantastic memory. (except for most things non-medical, i'm sure he didn't notice..)

but he also said it would be really easy to just pass me right by and neglect me for my capabilities because i never really express them across. but it's not that i'm not confident, i'm just humble! humility is to admired too, isn't it, isn't it????? on the otherhand, if you don't blow your own trumpet, noone else will blow it for you. point taken, dr S. carol shall now be shoving her intelligence down all your throats, whether you can accept it or not.. awright, big bad medcine world, be prepared for my mind.

and then my previous consultant said i was quiet! QUIET?? me, quiet?? i'm never quiet! i dislike quiet people! i'm not shyyy!! i was just too busy to make friends! (as i usually am...)

right. so basically, i need to express my knowledge more and make a better effort to build rapport with colleagues.. i suppose my humility will not fail me now.

into the ether

2008-05-06T10:42:00.006+01:00

so why is it that the _______ are always leaving? coming and going, flitting and flirting, waxing and waning, how moon-like... corticosteroid excess, i do hope not. complex psychoanalytical issues regarding my fears and inner desires aside, it is possibly because the element of their character that drives them to be such peripatetics is what ___ in the first place.
but is this world moving toward one where relatonships are built on fast-chats on skype, bittey-images on web cameras, messages left while we were offline and electronic roses? are man's social interactions going electronic?
mebbe that's the real reason why Britian just can't be bothered with their neighbours anymore... it's rather sad, i reckon. especially when sitting on the tube for an hour entails an hour of silence, head buried in book, or ipod securedly fastened in ear canals... when we are brushing shoulders with a fellow travelling camarade headed in the same direction. nay, we would rather return to our box-apartments, connect to the internet and search for online dating agencies .... where one can be whoever they want to be, say whatever they want to say, reveal as much as they are comfortable with and never have to prove or justify any of their self-proclaimed strengths or watered-down weaknesses... sometimes until it is too late.

MEDness: am to pm...

2008-04-24T18:32:00.006+01:00

i'm back in HOSPITALSSS! WOOOOOHOOOOOOPPEEEE DOOOOOOO my lifeee is backkk to normal again!!

aye, although 5 weeks of the GP chat and black coffee on tap was fun while it lasted, i definitely think hospitals are my true love... ohh yeahhh.. now if only they had proper caffetieres in wards as opposed to rubbish maxwell / nescafe coffee grounds. eeewwwuuuckkk...

so yes... life is gettin back on track for little ol carrol.. :)

meanwhile.. party photos....sleeveface at jim's.

optimo - still the best night in glasgow

meanwhile, carol is thinking she needs to think less and do more...

it will take more than a heavy rain to silence us

2008-04-15T13:43:00.009+01:00

cake update: after about 2.5 weeks of cake-practice, carol has finally been awarded, (by fed friends from all over the west end) the GOOD BAKER AWARD. *applauseeee*

ayee. so now that that's sorted, NEXT HOBBY PLEASEEE!

yes, the cake-eating event was covered mucho by the press.. thankfully, the participants managed to get away with their identities.....

gig update:

it's true... carol's in love with chris carrabba.. especially after that saucy video "stolen".. yes chris, if you're reading this, i want your babies.. yes. we will make many guitar-playing babies, you and me.. i may not be half-japanese, but hey, i can be whatever you want me to be, love...it's a match made in heaven, surely... "so please, hello, i'm waitin..... i think i'd be good for you, and you'd be good for me...."

glasgow update:
after mucho contemplation, i decided to REJECT an offer to swop for a medicine block at dumfries... why? because... glasgow is the only place i wanna be right now.. why? cos of you peeeeps!!!!!!! xoxoxoxo

reaping and sewing

2008-03-30T00:36:00.009Z

so after a long spate of much eating out and staying in, i've decided to take it a note lower to eating in and staying in for this stretch... other than giving me time to reflect on how i shouldthe task at hand...

cranberry and mascarpone sponge cake. lemon drizzle cake.

endeavour to be more of a domestic goddess, it's also given me time to enjoy the company of close friends huddled in my tropically-temperatured living room watching the weird and wonderful films available on dvd....

meanwhile, we've learnt (the funny way) that english-dubbed cantonese films just does nae work....

priceless lines from Hardboiled:

" There's no need to kill my men, Jonny!"
Alan: "He's right, Johnny, no need to waste bullets on shit."
"You saved the day, piss-pot!"
"Give the guy a gun and he's superman, give him two and he's god."

meanwhile, everyone in need of some good eye candy should click overrr here. i've been at it all night... ;p

BAGELLLLLLLL

2008-03-24T11:56:00.004Z

oh goodness meee... i'm having a craving for salt beeeefff bageelllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aye, that's right... where be the fantastic saltiness of bagels in wee Glasgaeee?

anyhoowww, i have decided to take up a newww hobby!!!image from www.alelale.com

yipppppp yippp yippp!! i shall hone maaa domestikal skills... friends, be warned. the plague of the plush dolls might be upon u yet....

meanwhile, carol is in dire need of a weekend trip.. any takers??

a sign of the times

2008-03-13T11:10:00.003Z

We lead such degenerate, devolving lives and yet we look to blame someone other than ourselves. God came to give us His Love and Life and His book. "Here is a guide to good living. Here is a place where you can find me and my people. Here is a person to come in times of your troubles, Here is a place to belong." and yet we relentlessly reject Him... We really only have ourselves to blame.

credence

2008-03-10T06:31:00.005Z

O love that will not let me go.. Who's the lucky guy? Lucky? I don't know... The weather this week is going to be horrid. There's something very sobering about going into a big supermarket... I seldom, if not never, ever watch the news or read the newspapers. They are very full of themselves, aren't they? I love you very much. I hope you are watching... Well, it sounds crap so I think you should just stay out and get a drinkk.... makes us forgetful of truth. Surrounded by sceptics. You just need to have an aim in life. None of your beeswax. Your story just keeps getting better and better... There will be no new revelation until you go there. Mei Ling, I know you...

It's uncanny how people can surprise you. It's so beguiling of life to be so much scarier and sublime than fiction. Beguiling, but also surreal... Beguilingly surreal: sin is always more insidious than humans imagine, true love forces us to muster up more so much more courage and strength than we naturally possess and grown men still fight battles that bring them to their knees. yes, life... ... is more unbelievable than fantasy.

so clear

2008-02-28T09:46:00.005Z

to be tuned, as such, to be following the guiding light of red and orange, to turn a green, to be resonant. as such, i am to be tuned. i am to persuade my flesh to be trained into this fit, into this touch, this model.

there was the dream of a lady's mien, whose porcelain imperfections weren't so different from any of ours, and whose ideas were lost as soon as we stopped listening. but the reminder of our frailty, that's what keeps us in need of something greater.

frugality, familiarity and formality

2008-02-04T09:45:00.001Z

The disclarity of cornucopia has since sent its futile firings against a willpower fueled by the love of frugality. The allure of acquisition has long proven its futility on an experienced ex-shopaholic...

Yes, i think my discernment in buying things has sharpened over the years, having the corollary of keeping and using a lot of the things i purchase and not being able to do without them.. I thus stand before the continuously-presenting problem of having to bring them all with me wherever I go.. (note: things here refers especially to shoes, books and clothes)

I do admit, there is a certain obsessiveness about it.. Alas, the problem of being familiar and conditioned to old things presents the problem of not ever wanting anything different... (should the reader feel a lack of understanding in this aspect, feel free to refer to House's persistence on Cuddy returning his old carpet in House episode #3-04)
(picture taken from: http://www.housemd-guide.com/season3/graphics/304house.jpg)

take for example the problem i now face with having to transport 200 satchets of a certain brand of local coffee, half a dozen packets of my favourite local biscuits and foodstuff, 4 medical textbooks i required here on my attachment, my trusty speakers (+subwoofer), my well-worn favourite shoes, faded hospital clothes, etc etc...

anyhow, after the de rigeur packing and sorting and cleaning, i decided to share the highlight of such an organised exit with one and all...*drumroll*.....

the magical experience of cleaning and admiring
my SHOESSSSSSSS.... :)

these green ladies have appeared previously in more luxurious settings.....

my favourites!...

okay, so one may question my take on frugality being more than 8 pairs of shoes i travel with.. but DO NOT JUDGE MOI.. for i did have to pack for 2 seasons, 3 cities and all sorts of occassions this trip...

on that note, this leaving does seem to have a certain unprecedented resoluteness about it. but it's times like these i have to remember my Boss is still the one who has the final say....

Pleural effusiveness

2008-01-13T14:28:00.001Z

So after a mere 3.5 weeks of being back in Singapore and 2 weeks into my medical attachment here in the motherland, carol has learned about malignancy and seen most of its sinister toils on the human body. It has been a rather sobering experience, partially attributed to being exposed to the wishy-washy, equivocate way of medicine after 15 weeks of glorious, clean-cut, well-defined Surgery. Perhaps also attributed to the fact that the heat is penetrating my thinking and my thoughts and my efficiency in answering consultants.. ack.. if in denial, always blame the weather, i say.

On that note, i am totally missing the gloomy architecture of the Victorian British hospitals, as well as the refined assortment of consultants who work within! Of note is a certain anaesthesiologist at the Vic and a certain rheumatologist at the Royal. (nae, these not be carol-crushes or clandestine relations.. these are just inspirational physicians who have left a memory, so don't be spreading no rumours now...) but yeah.. it's something about being back in an Asian, semi-didactic teaching system enforcing learning by the whip rather than the carrot that takes the joy out of medicine for me... or maybe i'm just a bit biased against singlish. Come on, what on earth is an "AB-DOE-men"?

Anyhooo, on a plus point, auscultating my father's chest for heart sounds was rather reassuring! Ha! S1 + S2. No added sounds, no murmurs. no AR and MS murmurs detected. No basal creps. Regular, sinus rhythm.... mmm.

thailand!

2008-01-04T14:11:00.000Z

pardon the paucity of blogging of late, guys! but take heart, i'm baacckkk! my country-hopping adventures have finally ended and i'm now back in the motherland, in the hope of resting my jaded wings from all the flying of late.

well, so the 4 of us returned from bangkok not too long ago, and it was such a blast!! the trip in a sentence: full-on shopping, massages on a daily basis, late nights, sabotage, dangerous liasons and photo-whoring!!

shoppin at chatuchakk!!

this one's fo u, shen!the posers!

doggsss!!sleepyheads!

and... *drumroll* the legendary shots taken by yours truly!!! :

_ _ _ _ _

running shots:

_ _ _ _ _

junice and carol 's suspicious activities at changi airport...birthday celebrations at the bed supper club!
haha... so yes, thailand was great craic! thanks guys for making it such a blast!!

monochrome

2007-11-25T21:37:00.001Z

a weekend of chats. such is life, which gets in the way, which leaves emotions unstirred and words unspoken. of late, i'm coming to realise it isn't so much what is said between individuals that unite us more than what is unsaid...

but i guess that notion leaves the risk entailed with the assumption of an unchecked sentiment: that of disappointment.
When will we ever be perfect? Not in this life, of incomplete rainbows, but in the next...

"Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." - 1 Cor 13:12.

but in the meantime (nora), it will always be grey, never black and white...

C is CC.

2007-11-19T21:40:00.000Z

"We need to recognise the inconsistency between how late-modernism capitalism defines human beings and how christian faith defines us. Because of the covertness of this formation, Christians are often not alert to what they are becoming... the disciplinary mechanisms of Disney, MTV, and the Gap are so insidious and covert, we don't recognize the way in which their message - and their vision of the human telos - is shaping our own identity...

"But the church must also do a third thing: enact countermeasures, counterdisciplines that will form us into the kinds of people that God calls us to be. Too often we imagine the goal of Christian discipleship is to train us to think the right way, to believe the right things. But the ultimate goal of sanctification and discipleship is to shape us into a certain kind of person: one who is like Jesus, exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23), loving God and neighbour, caring for the orphan, the widow, and the stranger (Jer 22:3, James 1:27).... According to Scriptures, knowing the truth is only instrumental to ultimately doing the truth (Jer 22:6)."

- James K.A.Smith. Who's afraid of Post-modernism? Baker Academic. Michigan. 2006

going for the jugular

2007-11-13T21:35:00.000Z

so i'm back in glasgow and totally loving it! home feels so good... (viva la digital tv!) but no, carol is determined to get her life back!

meanwhile...
ENT part deux in the southern is amazing! amazing surgery witnessed by yours truly today was a total laryngectomy! it was a full-blown affair: max-fax went in first, whooped open the neck and dissected aside the great vessels, ENT peeps next for the windpipe (to the 'tune of take my breath away'.. well,actually, it was phil collins in the background, and i did giggle, yes...), and finally plastics went in for the pec major reconstruction of his neck..

surgery is soo freakkin cool. i reckon laryngectomies are the most invasive ENT surgery u could get ! what a friggin privilege, considering laryngeal cancer (smoking men and heavy alcoholics, be warned!) affects only 5 / 100,00 of the population!

this year's totally pushing me toward surgery!

anyhoow... laryngeal cancer and a post-operative permanent tracheostomy and losing your natural voice is NOT ideal...

image taken from http://www.healiohealth.com/Library/Images/Tracheostomy.jpg

NB: Dear Doug, do feel free to correct my vocabulary if appropriate. Fastidiousness is always appreciated in my world. ;)

halloween in the hospital

2007-11-03T12:55:00.000Z

THE DUMFRIES DIARIES....

Dumfries, indolent city by day.the Infirmary. the doctors' residences - a bulwark of respectability, civility and excellence...??????

but come halloweeen......,

bats ears

2007-10-30T21:40:00.000Z

update:
whilst having my nostrils examined for nasal septum deviation and having my cartilage ring and earshape carefully scrutinised today, i was made to feel like a little girl again!!

meanwhile:
i think my surgery attachment started to take a dip when i left general surgery. orthopaedics was the culprit. power tools on osteoporotic femurs just didn't do it for me. especially when the surgeon's drilling away into the medullary canal with bone marrow spilling out the head of the femur, out of the patient's proximal thigh... nope, orthopaedics is DEFINITELY not for me...

anyway, it be 3 more days til carol's back in glasgow..
these last 10 weeks of peripheral postings has totally gotten to me. missing glasgow and being forced into a position of incessant nerding does have its palpable effects on an already socially-challenged medical student in the gloomy british island... but i guess 'downtimes' like these does press one to realise more certainly that God does have His plan for all of us.. and that He does care more about our character than our comfort. Paradoxically (yet so very typical of Him), He is the source of all our comfort.

today's revelation:
human beings are created with the innermost desire to know truth. without knowing truth, our souls will not be still!

God's promises... God's promises...

meanwhile, i promise myself to have a refuelling of social life once i'm back in glasgow.. i must, i must, i must! dear friends, be warned.

lyrics

2007-09-28T13:46:00.000+01:00

so carol sat up and erected in her mind, the barricades of defense against the world that isn't crosshouse hospital, kilmarnock.

the last crosshouse scone i'll eat in a while :(

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

and she mourned the loss of a friend who didn't pull back her hair when she was throwing up, who didn't lament over period pains and first boyfriends, who didn't bake cakes together with her, who didn't get to meet and share in her future life, but who would have... if only time had not been robbed from us.

in a daze

great reads

2007-09-23T22:12:00.001+01:00

to eat the humble pie of meeting someone whose achievements are beyond the grasps of your repertoire is rather tasty, especially when done over hot chinese food. however, i dare venture by saying that had i the time and energy not taken up by trivial trifles that seem to intrude at the opportune moments, those endeavours would be similar to what i would have chosen to pursue.
but well, it's been a year and with the benefits of retrospection, has it been fruitful? has carol been all that she was destined for (and more) or have i just been letting inefficiency run its course through the mundanities of the onslaught that is life?

i'm not too sure.. in this last year, a friend has gotten married (yesterday, to be fair to myself), some have started their jobs as junior doctors, some have climbed mountains, others have climbed more than 2, some have their names in journals, others have picked up and mastered an instrument, one has produced a cd and has formed a professional band, etc etc.. the list goes on.

are my efforts resulting in fruition or am i just drawing back too soon? hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

uterine didelphy

2007-09-12T18:46:00.000+01:00

two uteresus! freaaakkkinnnng TWOO UTERRUSSESS.... two pap smears for one lady! two cervixes... oh my gooooooodddnesssssssss....

total abdominal hysterectomy and bilateral salpino-oophorectomy

2007-09-04T15:15:00.000+01:00

image taken from : http://www.cs.nsw.gov.au/cancer/sgog/assets/OvarianCyst.jpg

i saw... an ovarian cyst the size of a small balloon today and i thought that would be the biggest ovarian cyst i'd ever see. but then the next TAH +BSO showed up an even larger one that was the size of a honey melon... and i was like.. oh my goodness, this is sooo coool. and then i asked the lady if i could prod it.. and i prodded the melon-sized cyst (it was still warm! oh my gosh oh my gosh) and it was warm and taut and squiggly and it was threatening to rupture! and then i picked up the uterus next to it and held it in my hand! and it was tiny!! and both ovaries were gone and i was like.. oh my gosh! i'm holding a uterus! and then i went back to the operating table i felt the omentum! (how great the omentum is!) and it was warm tooo! and really really rubbery! and then i was prompted, "carol, look, peristalsis!" and i turned and saw... PERISTALSIS... LIVE! oh my gosh. surgery is so freakinnn coooooool.

we will not be trees

2007-08-22T09:55:00.000+01:00

thisss news makes a girl like carol veryyyyy happppeeeeeeee!!!! :)))))))))

Arthritis drug gets NHS approval

well, so i leave for glasgow tonight. this whole trip back's been a bit of a madness.... there is a chinese belief that when a chinese family on a voyage eats fish, they aren't allowed to flip the fish for fear of ill luck on the voyage.... no one can choose what happens to them in life.. but it's how you deal with such circumstances that matters.

fall in the boat....

and everytime i come back, it's always another burst in the sky of fireworks, of love, of mirth, of the kinship of the friends who grew up in the same microenvironments, the same environments, the same singapore. and then we part...

and then it's the same you get everywhere - the same difference. the same souls looking for the same sense of belonging.

the mind's fruits

2007-08-18T07:54:00.000+01:00

"There are always guys who hold on to the nostalgia of old devices that can't be bought with money." - Batou (SAC)

With the present state of things there is a certain push towards my recently-unvisited love with psychoanalysis and neurology. Memories and the effects they have with their related structures - the hippocampus : one of the oldest, also the most susceptible to ischaemic insult. Perhaps there is a reason why we are not meant to hold on to the past. Maybe its absence protects us? Maybe the past impedes our future, impedes our progress.

All of Christian life is an upward progression... Saying 'no' to the things of our old days, our old ways... for we are never born with the fruit of the Spirit. But we possess these things in increasing order.

The human brain is supplemented in areas in which are practised, pertinent and relevant to our daily living. So why dwell in and develop habits of the past when we are called forward?

_ _ _ _ _ _

We already possess the power...

the soul of our civilisation

2007-08-04T09:15:00.001+01:00

"There are three forms of visual art: Painting is art to look at, sculpture is art you can walk around, and architecture is art you can walk through."
- Philip Johnson

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

2 shoes in the hand is worth 1 book on the shelf

2007-08-03T09:48:00.000+01:00

went out today in the search of a book and i came back with 2 pairs of shoes instead.. whhooopppsss..

walk

2007-07-29T01:14:00.000+01:00

but then there was a redemption that came upon the ones who dwelt in the land. the ones who had the faith to just walk across the room.

yes... yes.. peripattikos.. God, You are so funny... haaa.

_ _ _ _ _

leave my thoughts on the surface... the surface... *breathe* the surface...*breathe* the surface.. the surface...breathe, carol... just breathe...

how am i supposed to just b e s t i l l ?

dreams of a fish out of water

2007-07-27T17:34:00.001+01:00

i don't expect anyone to understand me... it's a sina qui non of being me, of doing the things i do, of doing the things that i have to do.

i had three dreams and i woke up with the aftertaste of depression."You can't always get what you want."

don't

belong

here

_ _

"a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes..."

back to basics

2007-07-01T23:18:00.000+01:00

poker loveee

carol the peripatetic has been reincarnated as a panda. she has also come to the sad realisation that the past year has more than blunted her social acumen. a certain barber is missing in action and cashflow problems has plagued more than one of carol's buddies. fortunately, there is a certain hope in the form of cottontails and ironically, post-modernism.

the blue dog

the first principles. mmmm.

_ _ _ _ _ _

lve in the frm of fltmtes

meanwhile, carol is loving the prospect of having the resources to do as she pleases, within reasonable boundaries. she is also relishing the fact that she is slowly being edited, so to speak. she is, however, not enjoying the process of passing it in pain.

deny deny deny and 1 day, it will actually get easier....

what we know now, we knew then

2007-06-26T08:39:00.000+01:00

What is it to love You? To love, as a child loves -

without hesitation,
without fear,
trusting,
whole-heartedly,
not holding back.

because a childlike faith is all You desire. Nothing more. Nothing added.

And Love empowers, Love boldens, Love builds, Love strengthens, Love provides. All that we need. All. Nothing less.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." - 1 John 4:18

the long kiss goodnight

2007-06-23T13:24:00.000+01:00

dear peoples, i beg your pardon for the dearth of posts of late.. my mind has been a-wander on all things new, bright and beautiful...
the GSA degree show was awash with rain, cold, sleet, shower, with a splash of glasgow-grey to finish. however, however, i say, it is the people that make the place... ... taa daaaAA!! :

the event: gsa degree show

the people: gilly-billy-hilly. nora-sista-pan. le lovely rachel. el ruthie babieee.the woman with the umbrella

the vic

the street party hustlers

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

si si, tiempo bueno.

le fantastique quatre: ruthieee. moi. kathiee. becca

rebecca joy taylor.

'We look for love, no time for tears
Wasted water's all that is
And it don't make no flowers grow
Good things might come to those who wait
Not to those who wait too late'
We got to go for all we know
-'Just the two of us' by Bill Withers

lumine

2007-06-13T09:07:00.000+01:00

in a world of increasing craziness, where has clarity gone? we embark on endless voyages and endeavours, we spread our worth out so thinly and fail to achieve a sense of things making sense.

MadHATTeRs

2007-05-27T00:38:00.000+01:00

"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." - 1 Corinthians 8:1

Walking through the kelvingrove with dad and mom today while the sun was still shining and topics were regarding the abundance of books we had in our home and how i thought the only things worth getting from the U.K. were old editions of old books. But we had too many books at home as it was, and mom was storing up too much junk. Too many books? Can such a phrase possibly be seen in the negative? There was no such thing as too many books as there is no such thing as attaining enough knowledge!

But no. In retrospect, and in the moment of clarity that insomnia brings, i relent. there is such a thing as having too many books. there is such a thing as having knowledge without enough love.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

meanwhile, this was saturday night:

hat flat party flat hat party hlat fat party flat pat harty!!

she wants to move

2007-05-19T14:25:00.001+01:00

more immunological nonsense (photos included this time!!)

nerd attack! immunologists loose in the west end! before heading to the qmu
me and steve.erica, alexis, me.carol loves dancing.rooooaaaarrr!.

calum+mark.stephen is a nottie boy.luke, me, steve,?.me and greg aree in loveeee with T cells.

carol -heart- immunologists!

perception

2007-05-17T13:28:00.000+01:00

carol : look epon, the leaves make it look like a watercolour!
epon : isn't it that a watercolour is meant to look like it?

was walking through the park amidst an emerald forest in three dimensions and thought of this snippet of our conversation. :)

my raps is beda than yours

2007-05-12T22:46:00.000+01:00

what does carol do just 2 days before her second exam? she goes out and has a blasstttt of a timee with drunken immunologists and the like... starting out at brick on bath street, where i got very nicely relaxed on white wine, we then hopped, skipped and jumped over (narrowly missing cars) to kushion for more excellent banter and dancing.

anyhow, i would just like to reinstate that freedom, oh freedom, will be mine to have and to holldddd very very very sooon... Rrright, now if i can just keep my mind body movin' body movin' on Cox Proportional Hazards Models and oh.. a-one sound and the sound's so soothin' We be getting down and you know we're crush grooving the Nolan 7 principles of a good public servant. to my people, keep rock it on, cos my raps is beda than yours....

nerd love

2007-05-07T12:27:00.000+01:00

soo. i have decided to take a break and present some findings from the nerd world applicable to the real world...

There is no such thing as the perfect textbook
there is no such thing as the perfect textbook. i mean, personally, Janeway(see above) is the man for me, but Janeway tends to have information on the same subject everywhere (eg. information on T cell receptors (TCR) can be found on pages 116-117, 128, 193 and 149-154.), his diagrams have the utter worst colour combinations (primary colours don't go) and he is a bit outdated.. (who doesn't know that there are 3 different types of Tregs and that Tr1 and Th3 are kinda obsolete?).

Similarly, there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, perfect person or perfect friend. But, like Janeway, there are just somethings in your life, that if you remove, it'd be analogous to cutting your right arm off. My Janeway is smothered in pencil marks, hi-lights, coffee / green tea stains and has earned the dog-ears of a well-read textbook. I know Janeway for all his inadequacies and strengths (which far outweigh the former), and if i one day woke up to see him gone, i'd be devastated.

There is such a thing as the perfect book
However, there is also such a thing as the perfect book. My bible, like janeway, has been with me forever and i've laboured into its pages for years and years. One thing different is that the bible, unlike other texts, is ALIVE. i mean it. While i am never faithful to any one book at a time (like a TCR, i am promiscuous) and tend to have 4 books at a go at the same time (hey, what can i say? I have many different needs), I find that the bible is the only one that has life-giving properties. Don't ask me to explain this in any other way, but it's supernatural. And the fact that it is written over a period of about 4000 years by multiple authors and that they all agree on the same thing is just utterly mind-blowing.

We need to go deeper
On the surface, Janeway looks incredibly daunting and reading one bit on its own can be totally taken out of context. However, persistence and perseverance has paved the way to understanding... Similarly, Romans 15:13 - we will only have joy if we know Him and we will only know him if we study about Him...

In conclusion, i'd just like to say that nerds can still have a life outside of their books... and the delving into specifics can open a world of knowledge that is broadly universal. %)

framed.

2007-05-04T12:49:00.000+01:00

thank goodness spectables are in this season! ...for tis the season for nerding. %)

anyway, the weather in glasgow is pretttyyy amazing.. i leave my flat with the following :

shades

woolly hat

umbrella (for fear of getting a tan!)

scarf

bundled in 3 layers and

in my birkenstocks.
(and in the evening, my ugg boots)

i kid you not.

24 hour weather

it's feels so much like air-conditioning... the coolness of the air, not a crisp cool that cuts, but a soft cool, as soothing as warmth from a soft sun. making me reminisce of the comforts of home... the cool bubble of comfort in our controlled, tightly-tweaked utopian paradise. :)

the iniquity of english cooks

2007-04-19T12:59:00.000+01:00

what makes carol happy is the feel of a well-sharpened knife... i miss home. :/
but in the mean time, i am doing the best i can..

“But it may be fine—I expect it will be fine,” said Mrs Ramsay, making some little twist of the reddish brown stocking she was knitting, impatiently. If she finished it tonight, if they did go to the Lighthouse after all, it was to be given to the Lighthouse keeper for his little boy, who was threatened with a tuberculous hip; together with a pile of old magazines, and some tobacco, indeed, whatever she could find lying about, not really wanted, but only littering the room, to give those poor fellows, who must be bored to death sitting all day with nothing to do but polish the lamp and trim the wick and rake about on their scrap of garden, something to amuse them. For how would you like to be shut up for a whole month at a time, and possibly more in stormy weather, upon a rock the size of a tennis lawn? she would ask; and to have no letters or newspapers, and to see nobody; if you were married, not to see your wife, not to know how your children were,—if they were ill, if they had fallen down and broken their legs or arms; to see the same dreary waves breaking week after week, and then a dreadful storm coming, and the windows covered with spray, and birds dashed against the lamp, and the whole place rocking, and not be able to put your nose out of doors for fear of being swept into the sea? How would you like that? she asked, addressing herself particularly to her daughters. So she added, rather differently, one must take them whatever comforts one can."

- To the Lighthouse, by Virginia Woolf
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

oh yes, and i fell in love with immunology...again...

taken from Nature Immunology 1, 291 - 297 (2000) Crystal structure of a T cell receptor bound to an allogeneic MHC molecule. Jean-Baptiste Reiser, et al.

to have and to hold

2007-04-16T11:29:00.000+01:00

YESSSSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss........... the package has arrived.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

momm, my friends are mad, but they crack me up sooooooo000000 baddddddddddddddddddddddddddd......

the clothes make the man

this is what happens when i leave my camera in their hands for one night...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."
- 1 Peter 2:9

amen brothers, i love you guys!

maybe they're born with it? no, dahlink, it's the holy spirit.

haha, just thought i'd say that.

climbing every mountain

2007-04-09T08:50:00.000+01:00

the makings of...

a journey that took place a while ago.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

"..See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these..."

"If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow, is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?..."

- Matthew 6:28-30

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

a novel therapeutic approach

2007-04-08T17:06:00.000+01:00

carol wuz so bored of writin her research report dat she started taking random fotos of herself that showed her been-studying-t00-hard-face and started blogging about nothinnn.. also she started texting random peoples just for fun...

carol: Yo dude, wassup? I hate you, you broke my milk bottle and it leaked and my obsessive compulsive-ness was obsessing about it this morning. :(

callum: HEY! LISTEN, U can just take that back young lady. It wasn't me who used it last cos some one else must have put the milk away cos i had a glass of milk and then after that some one made me a cup of tea with milk in it which they would have had to pour the milk then put the cap back on so take your accusations else where.I'm not actually annoyed just playin with U. I'm studyin and a bit grumpy cos none of my group showed up.How R U. Callyam Yardbur :)

the great escape

2007-04-04T11:43:00.000+01:00

Gill and Carol's guide to a good night out:Step 1 : have a meal together seasoned with spices, salt, mirth and love.

Step 1b: do not deign to dine in style. Step 2: head for a pit stop.

Step 3: head toward the musik
Step 3b: wearing red boots help enhance the mood

viper, the medic's clubStep 4: feel free to losee controlll, looosee connntrroolll, baby, looseezeee Kontrolllll

Step 5: Always incorporate some practical lessons and learn from one another.

oh these walls

2007-03-25T15:33:00.000+01:00

so for the last few months, carol was held captive in the evil university,

living in a box.

but after attaining a higher energy level on a diet typical to that of the west of scotland, she overcame the lethargy of anaemia and

broke free....

venturing forth from the confinements of these cardboard walls... she walked and walked and walked, dazed from the sudden light.

and she found that the world was brighter than she had remembered...

the trees will clap their hands

people

2007-03-25T15:32:00.000+01:00

meanwhile... some banterous photos...

gill+me. me+kenneth(st. paddy's).

ommena+me+amy (bhangra!). shawn+me+ sue(st. paddy's)

_ _ _ _ _ _

i think, to capture a snapshot of life is my ultimate goal here. the memory retains selectively and inaccurately, but life... oh life, should not be remembered for the tangled thread of in-betweens but the moments that bring a smile to your heart. :)

bhangra!

2007-03-25T15:30:00.000+01:00

power to the bhangra!

the recent demise of the beautiful

2007-03-20T12:45:00.000Z

easter wanderings

how do we know the things we do without first experiencing our lack of understanding on ideas we had yet to perceive? is wisdom something that is gained from a certain regression, followed by the subsequent realisation that we need to be taking hold of the opportunity that failure provides? no, for sometimes we are given the knowledge without prior realisation we were never aware of it. but perhaps we retain the information better, post-self-directed-climbing-up-after-a-fall.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

i don't know how i landed myself in this muse, but i do know that i am missing people...

and i guess if i didn't lose them in the first place, i wouldn't have known how much they meant to me.

all things blue and beautiful.

2007-03-06T21:21:00.000Z

i've been having an obsession with blue of late...
...

right, okay.. the long overdue post of vindication :

just a passing thought:

how much are we moulded by the visual stimuli we perceive? a lot, i reckon....

of mice and men

2007-02-23T17:13:00.000Z

scene : byres road, circa 5pm...
enter jonny and naomi round the corner of morton's...

jonny: "hello, carol! we just bought rats! "

me: "i just bought brown boots! *shows them my bag* this is my 5th pair of brown boots and i was like, 'when am i ever gonna stop buying brown boots? and i'm like, never!'... why'd u buy rats?"

naomi: "it's for rachel farr. "

(jonny gets a phone call.)

me: "oh yea, it's her birthday. *looks at the cage* where are the rats? "

naomi : "in the little box. i don't think it's a good idea, personally. "

me: "oh no! it's quite a craze nowadays! my friend got two rats, then beth's flat got rats and now here! "

naomi:" beth's got rats? "

me:" yeah! "

naomi: "so if rachel isn't up for the rats, we could give it to beth? "

me: "yeah! ohh, plenty of my friends would love rats! "

(jonny puts down the phone at this point.)

jonny: "mice, carol, *shoots evil look at me* not rats. "

me: "well, lots of my friends would love mice slash rats. or or OR.... if noone wants it them, u can give them to MEEE and i'll dissect out their bone marrow and get their dendritic cells.. *makes continuous crushing motion with hand* and test them of course! "

jonny shoots me a dirty glance and walks off.

laughter is the best medicine

2007-02-21T09:11:00.000Z

it's good to hear our NHS spending is going into the quintessential issues of life...

Research BMJ 2006;333:1291-1293 (23 December)

Phenotypic differences between male physicians, surgeons, and film stars: comparative study

male surgeon. male physician. actor playing a doctor(control).

Objectives To test the hypothesisthat, on average, male surgeons are taller and better lookingthan male physicians, and to compare both sets of doctors withfilm stars who play doctors on screen.

Design Comparative study.

Setting Typical university hospitalin Spain, located in Barcelona and not in a sleepy backwater.

Participants Random sample of12 surgeons and 12 physicians plus 4 external controls (filmstars who play doctors), matched by age (50s) and sex (all male).

Interventions An independentcommittee (all female) evaluated the "good looking score" (range1-7).

Results Surgeons were significantlytaller than physicians (mean height 179.4 v 172.6 cm; P=0.01).Controls had significantly higher good looking scores than surgeons(mean score 5.96 v 4.39; difference between means 1.57, 95%confidence interval 0.69 to 2.45; P=0.013) and physicians (5.96v 3.65; 2.31, 1.58 to 3.04; P=0.003). Surgeons had significantlyhigher good looking scores than physicians (4.39 v 3.65; 0.74;0.25 to 1.23; P=0.010).

Conclusions Male surgeons aretaller and better looking than physicians, but film stars whoplay doctors on screen are better looking than both these groupsof doctors. Whether these phenotypic differences are geneticor environmental is unclear."

read full trial here

the magical idiocy of the worshippers only comes out at night.

2007-02-15T22:37:00.000Z

worshipppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-03T10:20:00.000Z

my guitar string broke,

but then… a revelation, like the light around…: I long to be where the praise is never ending!!!

for this must be a taste of what heaven will be like! for you are a loving Father, and how often we human beings forget that! caught up in our own little worlds of darkness and dirty rags… but Father! this is what You must have meant when You provide us with the tools for us to come closer to You! and in YOUR PERFECT AND HOLY PLAN. which is good and PLEASING! OH MY WORD… PLEASING! for how often do we want to tally longer in a place as beautiful as THIS!!! I don’t ever want to leave this place, this stand, this status! but the fact is…I WAS NEVER ANYWHERE ELSE, I was just blinded by my own hands!

AMAAAAZZZINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

muacks! thank you Daddy!

enter the playas.

2007-02-01T14:06:00.000Z

so @#$%!@#$^@#$&#$% STRESSSEEEDDDD from doing stupid ELISAs and reading a friggin average of 10 journals a week for immunology seminars. and fecking stats exam on tuesday and bloody answer for stupid journal club to the question proposed by the cancer-module-coordinator, prof. macMURDERER : 'what other proto-oncogenes are upregulated by inflammation?' damnnnn u intercalated Bsc degree... *evil look* i curse u with a bolus of tPA to dissolve your clots and make u die in a pool of your blood coming out of your every orifice..

and hence i have sent my dear richard to fetch me a solution of diazepam from the cardiac department at the royal.. (i'm kidding, i'd never abuse medicine like that, really....i would never steal from the NHS... ... honest!)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

oh... what i wouldn't give for a night out at the crib soon with ma boys... check em out here in class, all wrecked from a night of pimping... keep it up boyysss! ;)

colony forming unit

2007-01-23T22:23:00.000Z

there's a sinking feeling that somewhere in the course of the last few months, my life took a turn for boring. being busy in my den of books, techniques, diseases, pathologies, pathways; grasping with my fingernails at trying to maintain the pathetic semblance of a social life that i have left - the only comfort one has left of being 'normal'. alas, i am committed to becoming a terminally differentiated nerd.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

she no longer had the time to plug her ear into the zeitgeist....

goodbye 2006

2007-01-10T02:08:00.002Z

Happy new year everybody... :)

a nice night out with great immunologists, some noisy neighbours preventing her sleep and a big bowl of cereal later.... carol realises that she is really __ ___ ______.

"i am thankful for all that i've got."

a tribute...

the men.

the good guys... gillian.callum. simon.

simon in sheep clothing.

callum, me and simon t. the good 12 hours..
ze germans... on philosophy, bach and beethoven in bacchus.

a night out with the town

2007-01-10T00:30:00.000Z

FREEEEEeeedooommmmmmmM

2006-12-31T13:39:00.000Z

it's no wonder...

and these are a few of my favourite things (that i have been indulging in of late):

burying my nose in books
watching a significant no of films (11 films in 14 days)
going for walks on the beach and stuff
travelling to northern shores
trimming ferrets
playing poker (and winning rather ruthlessly... *evil laughter of a wud-be-rich girl*)
blinding cows
burying myself in my sea of thoughts

watching a significant no of films :

charlie and the chocolate factory
monty python: and now for something completely different
candy
volver
finding neverland
ever after
batman begins
lara croft: tomb raider
gattaca
love actually
the shawshank redemption

has been a very thought-provoking experience for me. it's the brilliant geniousity of geniuses i allow myself to be taken in by, rather than subscribing to the hackneyed contrivings of the mediocre.. so yes, mr. e, i am quite happy sitting in my palace of elitists, intellectuals and lofty attainments... worry u not about the length of my hair, for i am in no need of rescue. i shall prove u wrong cos i so lurve a challenge.... (as if u didn't already know that ;P)....

reading... for i oft wander in wonder at wonderment of wonder.

right.. enough of this grandiose garrulousity and prodigious verbosity, i hear u cry, o wearied reader...

photos of my trip up north to the crazy country of the nooks and crannies, neeps and tatties...

the simpson's farm

losing a dog in a shelter home full of old people was a very memorable experience! (running in and out of rooms full of wizened, elderly people on their tripods and armchairs, calling 'kirsty, kirsty!')

scotland is beautiful

at the heart of winter

my kind of beautiful place

venturing into... hell's luuuuummmppp... ooooooooooo

a christmas carol

2006-12-27T00:45:00.000Z

sometimes we need that comfortable silence.
in the midst of the people and mirth and the festive goodwill,
that familiar presence,
beckons.
in the back of the mind, mid-conversation, at the core of our being, it exists, waxing, then waning, but
ever-felt.

the familiar one calls to you, longs for you, speaks to you.

and slowly but surely, she unravels (not unsurely) and yields.
and in that dialogue, she realises (years) that the conversation is never-ending.. and its potential: limitless as Heaven's power...

She looks, and slowly, she sees,
that the greatest mystery of all, is unfolding in her life. a great love, a great Grace, like a blanket of snow, fills her inner being and breaks forth joy,
like the sun.
a helpless, scared, trepidating light,

but not without peace.

"And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." - Ephesians 2:22

legendary

2006-12-19T10:41:00.000Z

oh... loookie what pete has in his hand... the ticket to carol's happiness....

so yes.. continuing on from my last post, i would just like to add more photographic evidence to the pool... the fact is that the season of partying is here. :)

a tribute to the legend last night:

mr legend did make us wait a wee while...

let it be known, from this day forth, that carol's love for the legend knows no bounds...

strictly come dancing

2006-12-15T18:37:00.000Z

ceilidh, ceilidh, ceilidh!

it's alll about the chat, really.... nothing is complete without the banter.. i know i say this tOOOoo much, and i know if u google my blog, the word 'banter' probably appears more than 500 times, but i just cannot emphasize how great the craic has been of late...

this can be attributed to the following reasons...

HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!!
carol loves dancing
proper, sweaty, scottish ceilidh (there have been many of late...) and a good ol game of knights, horses and cavaliers.
immunology students kick ass!!! (big time)
carol's rnb club rules. (both meanings)

mmmm... carol loves a man who can dance.

the side effects of having great craic...

coming home smelling of weed (don't worry mom, didn't touch the stuff!)
coming home at 330 am in the morning absolutely shattered and having to be up in 4 hours
coming home at 2am the next night even more shattered
having to do the same tonight
seeing drunk medics immersed in debauchery
having to look after drunk friends with lowered *ahem* inhibitions

the joys of immunology.

the joys of the celts

mad mad mads's

meanwhile, conversation topics have been of a seriously diverse scope of late... 5 hours today at mads's was EPIC.... carol loves like-minded people... who not necessarily have to share the same morality or perspectives on things, but who has a mind which thinks in the same way as mine....

carol loves intellectual fodder... mmmmmm.....

Run, run, run, run... in the right way, toward the right goal.

2006-12-10T17:04:00.000Z

On being a Christian medic:
There is the risk of being prideful and elitist, but there is also the milieu of being surrounded by complete idiots, incompetency, inefficiency and utter oblivious-scatter-brained-pod-scum-of-bottomdweller-scum-phytoplankton-scum people...... GRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr...

beware the contempt of a very organised medical student.

meanwhile, carol is in need of the banter of another very-busy-person who can understand the frustration, isolation and support that is needed by a miserable very-busy-person.

indeed, misery loves company.

on a less miserable note,
i love amalgamating with a certain eponymous character (oh, i love how this is so apt!) and a certain other southpark-ish character... meetings most oft take place at night, most oft banter-full and absolutely wonderful. :)

BeholdddddDDDD....

2006-12-04T11:43:00.000Z

behold... i have found... the new BLANKET...

i say, glasgow, u dark horse...

getting enough

2006-11-30T13:31:00.000Z

once your needs are fulfilled, u realise that u can be back to normal again...

gartmore.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
- Proverbs 13:12

the national scottish cmf conference at gartmore was amazing. of note was:

the best ceilidh i've ever participated in.
the best banter-masters in da house.
the Word of life.

yes, we all have needs...

the dark side

2006-11-23T13:10:00.000Z

sooo... since coming back from london, i've had a renewed obsession with goth ways...
now, if only i had the time to dress goth. but... i guess if i had the privilege, i'd also ask for the time to do more important things, like... have a decent social life... read and reply letters and emails, sort out the bills, etc etc....

alas, i am condemned to the futility of the musings of the workaholic...

"We are condemned to futile efforts, and our happiest moments are those in which our consciousness deludes itself with the dream that its constructions are perceptible and meaningful to others"-- Beckett

londonium

2006-11-18T22:16:00.001Z

right out of the sea into the frying pan, i lept, painstakingly, into the arms of cellular adhesion molecules and electronica... but not before a well-deserved break in the biggest bestest place in the world... and i really mean IN THE WORLD....

right, i think i've done enough talking of late.... photos...

2006-11-18T22:16:00.000Z

2006-11-18T22:15:00.001Z

2006-11-18T22:15:00.000Z

2006-11-18T22:14:00.000Z

2006-11-18T22:11:00.000Z

2006-11-18T22:10:00.000Z

2006-11-08T21:17:00.000Z

today i watched in silence as a star fell from the sky, as a leaf fell from the tree...as it gave up its life and descended. today i watched, helpless, not knowing the words to say, as a soul cried, as a boy died, as the world swept by, not giving a care or even a nod as a life was lost. today, i watched as Beauty faded away, as Life lost meaning, as Man failed. today, i watched, as a stranger to this sadness, i watched and i didn't know what to say to them, because they could never understand... today i watched as i was helpless, my words powerless in the face of humans and their way of knowing that they know best... today, i watched, helpless, and so very sad. joy... is not the absence of pain, but the presence of God.

the gentle whisper

2006-11-02T20:32:00.000Z

halloweeners

so after that pensivity, i've realised that.... the ipod is ruining my life! as much as i love the long walk home, i love missing the last bus and i love losing myself, i also love the sound of my thoughts, and i really love speaking to God...
soo.. on my walk home tonight, facing the silence of the winter night boldly, i realised that slowing down is utterly essential to my being a better person. yes.. you could say God has been trying to tell me that of late...

"The LORD said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. " - 1 kings: 11-13

achilles tendon

2006-11-02T20:10:00.000Z

the combined effect of Medicine and Immunity in Health and Disease has the corollary of robbing me of my conversational skills, my vocabulary and my creativity. the limits of the human mind in terms of delving into different subjects is evident of late. spreading out = lack of depth = a jack of all traits and a master of none. but hyperfocusing (the direction i seem to be headed) has left me with little to say about other aspects of Life. (which contributes to the paucity of blog entries of late)

of note was the case study of the one time i deviated from my usual west end / city centre hangouts and ventured into the wild realms of greater glasgow... that day just utterly threw me off.. i was struck, so much by the randomness of the place, the novelty of taking a public bus in the middle of the night, the thickness of the working class accent, the sight of the teenage mum pushing her child in a pram, the druggie stumbling along the path, a dwelling that was not a student flat! my goodness... i balked at my naivete! i was never so dissociated that i actually FORGOT what the rest of the world was like.. damnnit, i need a holiday.... and non-medic friends, and time to relax and see the big picture, to listen, to speak less, to refresh my eyes... i hate going round in circles..
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

anyhow, halloween and trick or treating was great fun like... cheap wine + non-medics + heavy metal music + crazy costumes = a merry, merry night.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

a tribute:

kenneth and xiaoling-

the lovely people who delivered the doughy goodness of a krispy kreme all the way from london to me. i'm sorry, i know i was meant to take a photo of it before eating it...

ivanna-

the lovely lady who turns 21 today!

army of me

2006-10-25T16:06:00.001+01:00

*deep breath* wow. where do i start??? there are several reasons that orchestrated my being able to blog today. firstly, my class was cancelled this afternoon, and i only found out when i was at the outpatient reception. secondly, i am finally myself again after a protracted, at times unbearable, week or so, because i got 7 hours of sleep last night. thirdly, the arrival of a blogworthy event : i'm going to get my hair cut soooon. pardon le narcissism. fourthly, the unexpected protracted visit of an italian musician has left me too relaxed to want to delve into 'immunity and beyond' just yet...

also of note.. the cutest mittens in the world are in town... i now have the urge to dissect anything with fur.... i'm totally loving autumn.

medicine men

2006-10-15T12:48:00.000+01:00

so despite the fact that i should be blogging about more ecclesiastical things, the little devil in me still can't forget the rapture of the sweet sweet conversation i had with my medicine men last thursday evening.

alas, it is true, as pointed out by my dear flatmate, Amy, that there are only so few 'cool' people in medicine. and i am soo utterly grateful to God for dropping these lovely men in my lap... for those of you who know my comings and goings in my wee university life, u know the two men of whom i speak of...

so anyway, it was such a respite from the new people and faces i meet in my new course.. the loveliness of familiarity, of unforgiving bitchiness unrestrained by the antiquated social-norms demanded by the sense of propriety required when meeting new people. so the merry three of us were reunited in the SL (study landscape) on that merry thursday evening, our insides acheing from all the giggling and laughing and utter taking the piss... oh my life in medicine is made so much merrier with these men...

also of note was my very stress-relieving time spent last night, post-Confident Christianity weekend, ensconced in the newly created niche that is my digital-tv-equipped kitchen, watching America's Next Top Model season 6 with Amy and being totally..... blase.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

on watching angelina jolie drop the last piece of the puzzle on a biplegic denzel washington and attempting to pick it up with a pair of tweezers in 'The Bone Collector'...

richard: do u know you can still get an erection if you have spinal injury? you just have to stroke the feet.

issaam: yeah, but doesn't that cause the urge to defaecate as well? kinda loses the mood, u know?

richard: yeah, but some people like that.

sojourn

2006-10-12T12:31:00.000+01:00

brilliant..

a more robust , all-out impressiveness and in one word, spectacular. 15 hours on and i'm still in recovery.

attrition tears

2006-10-08T19:21:00.000+01:00

you know that feeling that you need to jump out of your skin? when there's an inner something in you that needs to get out and needs to get out? i'm feeling like that right now. when i'm surrounded by all the things money can buy, all the friends and banter a university student in the uk can have, when work's piling up beyond what i can manage and deadlines are looming in the near and present future - when i've got ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD TO DO... i feel like there's not one of them that i feel like doing. that's how i'm feeling right now.

but what do you do when you want to burst, but there's noone lurking around to mop up all the pieces and sew you back together? absolutely nothing. you keep it in, you wrap yourself up with another layer of woolly fleece, you sip up your peppermint tea and study the autumn away.

but all the trees will clap their hands...

and this is a typical day in the life of an intercalating student....

	Monday 9/10
0900-1000	0900-1015 IHD Lecture (403) - Intro to Chemokines - G. Graham
1000-1100
1100-1200	1100-1215 IHD Lecture (403) -Neutrophils, Mononuclear Phagocytes - JAG
1200-1300

1400-1500	2-5 FRS (403) - Nature of Immunity & Immunopathology - M. Thomas
1500-1600
1600-1700
1700-1800	5-? Immunology students social	545-700 CMF meeting (Rob's flat)
1800-1900		545-700 CMF meeting (Rob's flat)	630-10 girl's bible study (Gill's flat)
1900-2000
2000-2100
2100-2200

statistical bias

2006-09-28T20:59:00.000+01:00

so.. amidst studying statistics, carol took the opportunity of boredom to surf for her good old friend's band on myspace.... and found it! and laughed at their lyrics and was very entertained for a while... she also reminisced of how anachronistic her wee drive to tesco, maryhill earlier that day in her colleague's car was... full on 70-80s classics blasting throughout byres road, queen margaret drive and maryhill... pure funny like.. she also found this interesting piece of news:

sweet success for 'oldest' brand...

carol once had to pour this shit all over all her carrot cakes just cos she couldn't finish the stuff.. (but man they made them carrot cakes taste sooo goooood.)

speaking for herself : it has come to my attention that non-Christians (and Christians who aren't born-again (whatever your intepretation of that may be...)) complain a lot more than Christians.. it's something that makes sense when you think about it, but something i've just recently noticed. hmmmm...and so... i shall take this opportunity to tell all you complainers out there that...

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." - C.S. Lewis

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - Jesus

yup yup yuppers... meanwhile, here are some snapshots of fun-tastic Christian idiocy :

unfortunately, there has been the recent exodus of the above-photographed-good-ginger-man from the glasgow crowd... :( we'll misssss you simmooonnnnnnnnn!!!!! xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

a life less ordinary

2006-09-18T21:57:00.000+01:00

after running away from this for the last few months, i have finally realised, to my unease... that life is settling into mediocrity again. it's funny how my life as of now seems more ordinary than it has ever been in the last few years... studying in the library at night, carrying groceries back in the rain, grilled chicken breasts, cream cleansers for toilet tiles, housewife pillows, scaling ladders, changing lightbulbs, hanging out the laundry, furniture catalogues, social novels, cooking for one, kitchen conversations : i have become the one thing that i have feared most of becoming... but at the same time, it seems my resistance is futile.

dancing in the freedom we know

2006-09-12T17:58:00.000+01:00

the uni today

bounce with me.. because it is one of those moments. sleeping with monkeys, going in the buff, detuning and retuning, driving to swedish soils, unravelling a curtain lady, flipping swatches, climbing, walking, waxing (lyrical about epithets, portmanteaus, metonymy and eponyms) jogging, cooking... and dancing (lots of dancing!)... maybe i'm too settled or maybe i'm lost, but really, i am just putting things in their place. As You open my eyes to the work of Your hands. For what is the point if we do not give thanks to God?

so, back in glasgow and recreating my niche! la la la la la la la la la la la*

(*to the sound of the music in ur heart)

butter makes it better

2006-09-03T01:30:00.000+01:00

i reckon i've drank more in the last week than i have in the last 6 months... like for example last night...

what else i've been doing in my remaining days left in singapore...

hanging out loads with the craziest bunch of girls...

2006-09-03T01:00:00.000+01:00

shen! (who will be misrepresented by a hamster until she passes me her photos...)

junice... everyone loves a junice.

2006-09-03T00:59:00.001+01:00

prissssssssss! i'll love you foreverr!!!!

2006-09-03T00:56:00.000+01:00

skirting around a lot (and being terribly vain)

2006-09-03T00:55:00.000+01:00

packing (not so fun)