where did all my time go?

monday's finally over... nothing like sitting back to a hot dinner, spending the limited time i get to have away from medicine and away from the sl (medical library)...


the sl's (pictured left) has been like my second home for the past 3 weeks or so... great heating (0 deg outside, 24 deg inside), snacks 24/7, automatic ventilating system, automatic blinds, internet access, en suite toilets, great crowd, great craic, security's tight and open all night......

don't get me wrong, i LOVE the medical school in glasgow and i absolutely dig pbls, especially since it's hospital-based now... my pbl group this term is pretty interesting. haha... we've got...*drumroll*

mr. smart (not his real name) the most amazing pbl-mate i could ever ask for - on-the-ball, quick, fast, intelligent, got the facts and asks all the right questions.

then we've got my good ol friend mr. friendly... pretty like BFG... knows all the interesting facts cos he's reading evidence based medicine journals half the time...

then we have mr. funny, (my favourite as of today!) he's amazing and we share the same sense of humour. *grin*

we've got little ms. blonde.. ok, that was quite a mean name to call her, but she's amazingly d*tsy.... take this pbl scenario for eg:

someone contributes: so you diagnose an AMI when you see at least one of three things on the ecg : st elevation, st depression or pathological q waves.

ms. blonde: right.. this is the part i dun get.. how come we get both st elevation and depression in MI?

someone else: it depends on whether you get a subendocardial or total infarct.
(everyone nods in agreement)
with subendocardial infarcts, you get st depression.

ms. blonde: right..... (still confused, giving that doubting look) so you get st elevation with total infarcts? and in subendocardial infarcts, you get st depression, but it's above the line?

(NB: for non medics - it's basically the ECG reading... and anything below the isoelectric line is a depression (duh) so obviously you can't get a st depression that's above the line)

hee... she's pretty slow, but amazingly cute and friendly, despite being heralded by some as the prettiest girl in medicine. i like her. :) her eyes go totally wide when we talk about colours, fruits, stars, and cute furry animals.

anyways, we've got ms. goth as well. she's a goth and wears black all the time, is a bottle-black, original colour blonde, black netted stockings, blackish lipstick and short, black leather skirts.. she's really quite nice though, except a little quiet. but she's cool.

yup yup... my wonderful pbl group...

*deep sigh* still debating whether i should go for the night out on tues.. been doing way too much this past week.. 9-5 days almost everyday for uni... guest speaker in church this last weekend. went for a gig and a house party sat night, studied all sunday, except for a meeting at church, meeting again tonight at 730pm, dinner with the guys on tuesday night before the medic night out.... and i still have to finish up lana and lex with kenneth , plan my electives, ssm and intercalated degree before i'm due home on my flight... it's no wonder i've got a lack of sleep...*heavy sigh*

oh, look at the time...

6:30pm, GCCC

and Prophecy too. thank you, Jesus. THANK YOU.

in the background

I am awakened,
Fully.

despite the massive cup of tea and tongkat ali coffee (grudges aside, aaron?), i'm puffy-eyed and not at my peak.. for the first time in what must have been ages, we had supper at Asian Styles last night. Us triumphant three - Weiyao, Kenneth and I, joined by Epon, my new favourite ex-takeaway chink. Good craic, as usual... a record breaking 2 hour supper fueled by debates on everything under the sun! i love a person who can hold a weighty-debate and a good all-out splashing of verbal arrows. More please! Laksa was massive and saturated with coconut oil. Home by half 1, showered by 2, quiet time til 3, in bed by 305. awake at 945 cos someone had to call my home phone, which rings like the sound of a thousand bells.... ("£%!$@"!^::@£^$$%"&^*%^&$^&"~@:@:$!"£.. own up NOW, you morbid malicious morning menace!) ... ... afternoon nap is needed.

Alive, made whole and
Beautiful.

STEMI. but also ST depression, and pathological Q waves.
i will know this through and through by the end of 4 hours...

Because I was there
When your Peace descended upon me

Knowledge and the discernment of spirits and Wisdom. I receive with gratitude. :)

Like a dove,
Like a gentle whisper,
A loving beam of warmth,
Radiance, lumine.

You wash over me.
Like the fragrance of a thousand incenses.

thoughts over tea : grace

"That every man may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in his toil - this is the gift of God."

Life is seldom better than this. :) but there is going to be so much more...

a sign of the times:

you know winter is coming when: 1. your windows start misting up when you're asleep 2. it's snowing outside 3. the rainwater freezes into transparent panes on the roadside 4. it's the end of november 5. you are suddenly more active when its warm

back in singapore in 2 weeks and a day! oh man.. it's time to start writing my list of "THINGS I WANT TO DO WHEN I GO BACK TO SINGAPORE:" it's funny the first thing that comes to my mind when i wanna make this list is merchant city on a cool glasgow autumn evening! haha.. is this a sign of 'where carol's heart is'? merchant city's where i do capoeira. it is amazing. the feeling of waking up the next day with the dull ache of lactate buildup in my muscles, with the beat still in my heart and with the pleasure of having spent a night in the company of hot, sweaty, brazillian men. :)

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i like it, this singlehood, this embrace - falling into the arms of the Father, falling gracefully, freely. *deep breath* :) i'm smiling a whole lot more these days. to myself. :)

dad was passing by in paris. what i would do for a weekend in paris! oooooo.. it's been too long. too long since i was last there, and too long since having watched "before sunrise, before sunset"....

missing my mom right now. not a sad missing, but a longing - missing. to hear her laugh and tell me stories, gossip, her comments on life, politics and anything she puts her hand in... i think she's the most amazing mom in the world. but hey, i'm biased. ;)

a lingering thought : does he ___ me?

just a passing thought. i'll let you know when it passes...

current sights on : accident and emergency, internal medicine, cardiology.

long long way to go, carol.. meanwhile... plastic surgery in july. haha. i shall be transformed in NUH. heh heh.. together with kenneth, under the careful supervision of Mr Lim, the head consultant of plastic surgery in NUH. i hear i may have some scottish mates doing an elective in july in singapore. this may be interesting...

a confession : i'm addicted to tea with milk and honey.

it is finished.

t=13 days

rambling on

i am a restless little girl. in medicine... i want to do everything.

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i had a dream last night. or rather.. this morning. about a half hour after my alarm was supposed to go off. hotel room, mess, late, emptiness... that vaguely familiar feeling of... loss...

loss.

that i've not felt in soo long.
so so long... ouch.

transported back to pre-glasgow,
pre-Me.

sometimes we all need something like that... to make us realise we have to give up and give in.

retreat 2005

photos just now... words later... buried in books just now - namely macleod's clinical examination.... things i did today : study, study, pbl in hospital, conversation with pris, conversation with rob, study, conversation with various people from church, study, study.

dinner.pillow potatoes.my fantasy wife.me+2nd years.

lost in wonder

gartmoor

retreat was amazing...

the worship team!

t=8 days (this is getting depressing...)

t=6 days, 12 hours

distractions...

so on wednesday, at worship practice for the retreat happening this weekend (fri-sun), my guitar string snapped... had class pretty much the whole day yesterday so i had to leave it till today to go get it. so packed off my sweet guitar and headed into mccormacks in town to get it...

things to buy (17/11):

that done,i decided to go hang about in town since i had the day off and all i had to do today was restring my guitar and pack for the retreat ... so i popped into URBAN OUTFITTERS! THE MOST AMAZING SHOP IN THE WORLD.... then i couldn't help it and popped into zara to check out the winter collection and the clinique counter in house of frasers cos my YSL touche eclat radiance had run out and i sort of prefered the clinique concealer anyway... i guess you guys could guess where it went from here : ALLLLL THE WAY DOWN......... if i was broke and skint before, i was broken after zara and brokerestestestesttest-te-test-te-test after i forced myself into the underground to head back home... for an idea of how bad it was... this is what happened... i was swiping it all the way with my switch (uk debit card) so much that when i was at the underground station at st. enoch, instead of putting in my train ticket, i attempted to insert my swipe card.....

yup... carol has done it again... O.T.T. AGAIN. but it's okay... i'm not really broke, i'm just acting broke so i can believe i'm broke so that i won't spend that much... or am i really broke but acting like i'm not really broke so i can allow myself to spend again? oh dear. i think i've confused myself there. anyhow... there won't be anymore spending till hong kong... (but that's what i said last month!) shen, jun and pris, i'm quite afraid how i'll be like in hong kong, so please leash me to one of you's... any one of you's who's not pris and shen...

things i ended up buying anyways...

on a happier note, church retreat is happening in 2 hours time (oh f.... i haven't even packed yet and i'm supposed to have met kenneth half an hour ago!) but that's not as important.. the important thing is.. i can't wait to be there!!!!! a weekend of worshipping God! weeee....

t=116 hours

seasons

Dr B Thakker is absolutely the most entertaining microbiologist lecturer.... his lecture was on tuberculosis...

"If in doubt, blame the foreigners.."

"If you think humans are promiscuous, you should reconsider when you think about bacteria....Conjugation in bacteria is quite like sex in humans, if that's what you can call it... "

"Think about it.. this PCR (polymerase chain reaction).. we can use this to make... a thousand copies.. of .. i dunno.. audrey hepburn or something. and it's exponential... 2 to 4 to 8 to 16..."
"God has a sense of humour! Really, i mean... have you seen giant pandas??!!"
"This is a portrait of Saint Roche, the patron saint of the plague. It is set in Naples, but as you can see, the people in the painting aren't very happy. See these people here? they're dying of the plague...they're not enjoying the ice cream and pizza that is often associated with Naples..."
.
.

i absolutely love eccentric scientists..

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


still cautious about my unfounded freedom..... when will the negativity really set in? it's like a knife stuck in your abdomen that you're pulling out slowly and gingerly, expecting the jarring, unbearable pain to set in, but... ...slowly, slowly, miraculously, the knife eases itself out nicely and cleanly.. the wound is healed, the scar is formed. and i move on... yesterday's bout was the end of it... ...thank you... you know who you are. we've not done that in a long time. :)

meanwhile, just trying to enjoy glasgow while i can... the last leaves of autumn are falling.

free

haha.. think that last post was some sort of prophesying portent of the things to come.. but... like water off a duck's back, you came off of me.. :) wow.. God is amazing. i'm actuallly..... okay! i'm more than okay.. i'm... ....






free.





no longer somewhere in between, but right where it matters - on my knees. my heart is spoken for...

two rhemas this morning... and i can sense so much more... so MUCH MORE.

malachi 3:10. You're everything i need.

21, female, confused.

presenting complaint:

heavy heart
feeling of impending doom

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

t=30hours

t=2mins

t=0

THIS ONE's for you babe :)

My Humps"What you gon' do with all that junk?All that junk inside your trunk?I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,Get you love drunk off my hump.My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)I drive these brothers crazy,I do it on the daily,They treat me really nicely,They buy me all these ice-ys.Dolce & Gabbana,Fendi and then DonnaKaran, they be sharin’All their money got me wearin' flyBut I ain't askin,They say they love my ass 'n,Seven Jeans, True Religion's,I say no, but they keep givin'So I keep on takin’And no I ain’t takenWe can keep on datin’I keep on demonstrating.My love, my love, my love, my loveYou love my lady lumps,My hump, my hump, my hump,My humps they got u,She’s got me spending.(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.She’s got me spendin'.(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, on me, on meWhat you gon' do with all that junk?All that junk inside that trunk?I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,Get you love drunk off my hump.What u gon' do with all that ass?All that ass inside them jeans?I'm a make, make, make, make you screamMake u scream, make you scream.Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)I met a girl down at the disco.She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go.I could be your baby, you can be my honeyLets spend time not money.I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,Milky, milky cocoa,Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.They say I’m really sexy,The boys they wanna sex me.They always standing next to me,Always dancing next to me,Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.Lookin' at my lump, lump.U can look but you can’t touch it,If you touch it I'ma start some drama,You don’t want no drama,No, no drama, no, no, no, no dramaSo don’t pull on my hand boy,You ain’t my man, boy,I'm just tryn'a dance boy,And move my hump.My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.My lovely lady lumps [x3]In the back and in the front.My lovin' got u,She’s got me spendin'.(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.She's got me spendin’.(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, on me, on me.What you gon' do with all that junk?All that junk inside that trunk?I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,Get you love drunk off my hump.What you gon' do with all that ass?All that ass inside them jeans?I'ma make, make, make, make you screamMake you scream, make you scream.What you gon do with all that junk?All that junk inside that trunk?I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,Get you love drunk off this hump.What you gon’ do wit all that breast?All that breast inside that shirt?I'ma make, make, make, make you workMake you work, work, make you work.She's got me spendin'.Spendin all your money on me and spendin’ time on meShe’s got me spendin’.Spendin' all your money on me, on me, on me.

awww.. so real... like my love for you(r money).

over my head, but underneath my feet

never meant to waste your time
never meant to fall out of line
i always tried to get closer to You
now it seems with every step
feels like i'm losing my breath
i don't know what else i can do...

but You wash over me
You wash over me like rain
and You wash over me
You wash over me like sunshine.
i never had to choose
living a life with you
or choosing lies only half true
now i'd rather be
alone with you and me
than hiding behind these walls.

when you wash over me..

everything in the world was falling through
all i knew was to look to You
my sunshine
all my life never found my place
until i felt the sunlight on my face
my Sunshine...
- wash. lifehouse.

11:05

you're not the centre of the universe.

i can't forget your hands. acromegaly. i can't forget your voice. thyroid cartilage. i can't forget the pink butterfly on your nose. rosacea. i'm so tired. i can't forget your kindness. i can't forget your smile and your strength. will i be half as happy as you if i were in your wheelchair? this cannot be happening. your prideful smile, your 19th stone not hiding your dignity. your thoughtful wish. i can't forget. metabolic syndrome x. what is real is just a dream.

will i remember all this tomorrow?

rambling swiftly on

oh my word! (my new catch-phrase) i am so bored! i spent the whole day in my flat - all 10m x5m of it... i think i'm going insane.. insane in the brain... do u think i'm loco? yes, i think i'm loco...

anyhow... been trying to integrate this whole bacteria microbiology thing into my brain this whole afternoon... man am i such a nerd - i'm revising on things that i've revised twice before in medical school and at least 3 times before in jc... *pushes up glasses*

also watched "bodies" on bbc 3 today... it's a series about doctors in an english o and g ward. just corroborated the fact that i can't wait for the day i graduate and step into a hospital with a stethoscope around my neck, pony tail, grey tweed trousers and v-neck sweater, sensible black shoes and pen in my pocket... ahhh.. but it seems that time is getting further and further away... the sensible thing for me to do here in glasgow is to do an intercalated degree - which means a whole year extra of studying... which means i'll graduate a year older and i'll be behind my peers.. but still, it's the sensible thing to do...

winter is coming.. the sky's dark by 4 and the cold is biting... plus i'm peckish just 3 hours post-prandially..

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

yes sarah! i'm ur ardent fan and i left a comment! and yes, i'll be back very soon my friend.. albeit only for 3 weeks effectively... so time will be of the essence... NC please! need my biannual dose! and meeting ur mom, dad, ur new house and no-longer-a-running-naked-boy-andrew-pang...
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

quite an eventful week.. thought a placid saturday would solve it.. but i just remembered that not only am i a person who needs to be alone sometimes, i'm also a person who can't stand being bored at all.. arghs.. *twiddles thumbs* what do i do now??

FINALLY!

FINALLY some alone time for MEEEeeeee, myself and I ! *phew*
been being social-carol for the past 3 days and it's about time for me to just come home to an empty flat, chill, catch up on sleep, put on some massive attack, do the laundry, settle admin stuff, blog, catch up on life, re-run the past few days, see life in retrospect and wonder around in pj's...

flat's in quite a mess as well... chocolate on the carpet... clothes in a heap for ironing, notes from integration week and ssm still all over the place.. time for DOMESTIC CAROL to take over!!

meanwhile, just been meeting up with friends now that school's really started... always a good excuse for cook-outs and eating out... tried ichiban today for the first time! wooo hoo... and all without weiyao (his empty promises of taking me there)... did lunch with johan at ichiban today for what must have been months! he's got the most beautiful flat in glasgow i've ever been to.. but he's paying 3 times what i'm paying in rent! but his place's like a resort - high ceilings, rustic furniture, fire place, etc etc... but it's cool cos i'm always welcomed over! time to whip out my dvd collections and watch it on his mini-theatre!! woo hoo!

lunch was okay, but dinner last night was better! karl and weiyao cooked up a storm with crab noodles - leftover crab from long fung (a chinese restaurant)... but somehow whenever weiyao prepares a meal for us, it always spells disaster... the last time left me and kenneth highly diarrhoetic... this time, a piece of crab shell got stuck between kenny's teeth, leaving him in acute pain... and and AND... I made the ultimate sacrifice you can make for your friend... yup.. i did IT.. while weiyao has apathetically tucking into his noodles and karl was only willing to dig it up with a carving knife held in the most precarious position, i, carol the brave, stuck my finger into his throat to dig it up for him... don't think i've ever done that for anybody really... after which isaam promptly offered to help clean my finger with detergent.. haha..

karl+dinner.johan.isaam.dinner at karl's.weiyao+karl.guitar lessons with kenneth.kenneth+chicken.fighting over me!.karl+dinner.

it was all fun and good...

just too much testosterone for me in too short a time... i'm missing my singaporean girlfriends and my sold-his-soul-to-bloomberg-boyfriend... :( that's why if you're one of the above mentioned parties, you should immediately give me a call after you've read this... :p

sigh...i've almost forgotten how much i am a person who needs to be alone so much... heard 3 gunshot sounds this afternoon and there's been police sirens all over the place all afternoon.. it's much too beautiful a day for a shoot-out.. and in the west end as well... all in a glasgow day.. bet most of u guys didn't know that scotland has the highest violent crime rate in all developed countries of the world. yup.. and spending a good chunk of my life here is turning me into a hardened street-wise glaswegian lassie.. has it??? or am i still as innocent and naive as ever? hmmm....

meanwhile, i've decided that these are the best packaged cookies i've tasted in quite a while..

the space between

what matters is not the people themselves, but the space between. a surprising parcel from you made me smile and cry so deeply - a depth only a bond like ours can dig up. you are, to me, what you say i am to you. :)

sorry to all others who have bought me necklaces in the past! but i have a new favourite! *grin*

Eph 1:15 "I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

other than hang out with mr mischief and mr cheeky in london, i got the chance to catch up with ____ as well... it's funny how 'a leopard never changes its spots' apply to the people of the world, and holds so true to them, but how Christians are ever changing, increasingly reflecting the face of Him, most high....

and best of all - He makes it so easy as well. :)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

integration week's only purpose - to integrate. basically sitting there, easy listening, chatting with the neighbours, sipping free sodas and tucking into pastries (sponsors love to spoil us!) and queueing up for free goodie bags! ahhhh... how they pamper us medical students in glasgow...

it's amazing how You are so beautiful, so overwhelming that you exceed my understanding, you overflow beyond my earthly knowledge, and yet you provide me with the knowledge, the wisdom and the fear of You... and still You bless me for using Your gifts...
what greater love story than this?

should i go for capoeira tonight? was chatting to a fellow capoeira medic today at the lecture, over my Sainsbury apple and melon soda and in between bites of my kit kat (remember, you're not a salmon!) so hard to get started on something you've put down for a while... which is why i'm trying not to put anything down at the moment... and whatever you choose to do, be the best you can at it... Thank you God for your providence! i am a barley loaf!!!!! YOUR barley loaf!Heee.. but anyways... capoeira.. an excuse to go check out hot brazilian guys and hot scottish people doing something so out of character for them! hahaha.... doing the jenga...

anyhow, this blog is dedicated to IVANNA MY BABBBEEEE COS IT'S HER BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!!!!! THE 2ND OF NOVEMBER!!!!

meanwhile, i shall never go hungry again!!!

the spoils of war - BBG snacks